


Gas light

by angrytourist



Series: complex anatomy [12]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-08
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-16 15:56:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2275731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angrytourist/pseuds/angrytourist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaneki goes home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gas light

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks as always for all the support! There's only one part left after this one... It's been interesting seeing people guess what they think is going to happen. I wonder if I'll need to apologize... (゜▽゜;)

No one trusted Kaneki. The group Banjou introduced him to was small, and there was a distinct sense of unease coming from them despite their warm welcome. Kaneki could guess why. They thought he was strong, like Banjou said. They thought he’d protect them. It was laughable, considering he couldn’t even protect himself.

The sight of the child among them made him squirm, his conscience rebelling, but Kaneki forced that away, shoving his feelings into the deepest darkest part of his mind. He couldn’t take responsibility for those people. He had to go home.

“We missed the first cycle by about two days now,” Banjou had said, nodding at a calendar posted on the wall. “Day twelve is our only chance.”

On day twelve, everyone but a pair of brothers from the higher ups would be gone, and Banjou didn’t seem to think the Bin brothers were as much of a threat. The plan was a huge gamble, and it set Kaneki’s nerves on edge. But it was just another choice out of his hands. Stay or go, ally with Banjou or escape alone - they weren’t decisions he could make, but rather ones that had been made for him.

They would wait another ten days. Kaneki expected the slow passage of time would drive him mad.

xxx

Yamori was watching him. He'd started showing up at the workshop a few days in, standing at the back of the room under the guise of supervising the prisoners, but his eyes followed Kaneki only. Banjou moved tables, standing in place and working behind Kaneki. He was large enough to shield him, but Yamori didn't seem to care for pretenses. He just moved to the front of the room.

"What does he want with me?" 

Banjou fidgeted. "I can't say for sure," he hedged, "because I only know the rumors."

"And what do they say?" Kaneki kept his voice low, glancing over at Yamori, who looked perfectly at home among the swiftly decomposing corpses and terrified prisoners.

"He picks people sometimes, you know, takes a shine to them. So he moves them to his wing." Banjou hesitated. "They don't come back."

A cold chill curled down Kaneki's spine. "What does he do with them?"

"Tortures them," Banjou said, "eats them. Everyone says something different. But the thing is, he only likes _unique_ ghouls."

"Like me."

Banjou nodded. "Like you."

Kaneki looked to the front again and accidentally caught Yamori's eye. He grinned. Kaneki looked back at his work, swallowing.

Just a few more days.

xxx

On the twelfth day of the cycle, Banjou came for him. Kaneki had barely slept, turning over all the things that could go wrong with such a gamble of a plan in his mind. Instead, he'd hid himself in an empty room and waited.

Just as the sun began to creep up, Banjou opened the door and tossed a bundle at Kaneki. "Put that on," he said quietly. "It's time to go."

The bundle was a cloak, the kind the guards wore. Kaneki put it on. It was too big, but it would serve its purpose.

They gathered near the workshop. Kaneki had met with them as a group several times, but he'd made it a point not to remember their names. If he got close to them, it would be difficult not to protect them.

And no matter what Banjou did for him, Kaneki couldn't bring himself to let go of his anger.

“Stay together,” Banjou instructed. “And keep low. All we have to do is get past the outer wall, and we’re free.”

Free, Kaneki supposed, was a relative term. And in any case, he’d leave them the first moment he could. He had to figure out where he was and get back to ward 21. Hopefully, Tsukiyama would still be there and won’t have gone somewhere else in search of him.

It started out well. Hoods up, they travelled in a tight pack, keeping up a constant awareness. Some of the others spoke of what they’d do when they escaped - not if. They had so much hope. Kaneki just felt numb with fear.

The prisoner’s wing was out of sight. They passed through the open area and into the heavily wooded part of the property, and everyone seemed to heave a sigh of relief.

They didn’t expect the guard.

Kaneki spotted him first. He should have done something, but the thing - he didn’t look human or ghoul or any kind of natural - opened its mouth and let out a piercing shriek. One of Banjou’s companions acted and neatly cut its head from its body, but it was too late. The alarm had been sounded.

“If the Bin brothers catch us,” Kaneki heard someone whisper, but Banjou cut her off.

“Never mind that, just run!”

Kaneki fell to the back of the group just as he saw someone hit the ground on the path before them. Banjou stepped forward, and Kaneki could see the resolve on his face. He was willing to die for them.

The rest of them ran deeper into the woods. "We can't leave him alone back there," someone said. "He can't fight... That guy can't even use his kagune!"

Kaneki winced as the group fell into a frenzy. They were going to try saving him. They were all going to die.

The group turned as one to him.

"You're strong. Won't you help him?"

_I can't. It's his fault I'm here! I have to go home!_ It didn't matter what he answered. It would still be wrong in their eyes.

They'd held still too long. Kaneki saw a flash of movement up ahead, watched it weave toward them through the trees.

"You go ahead," he told them, "and I'll go back and save him. He wouldn't want any of you to give up."

"I knew you weren't a bad guy," one of them said, twisting the knife.

They separated from there. But rather than going back to Banjou, Kaneki went deeper into the woods. When whoever had been ahead of them struck, Kaneki stopped, listening to the screams and pleas for help. They'd all die, he knew. He'd sent them to it.

But he was going home.

Kaneki heard the woman scream from a distance, asking for her child's life, and for a brief moment, the guilt felt like it might rip him to shreds. But then it was gone, and Kaneki felt like someone else had taken the wheel. He sank back and watched himself run.

It was a familiar sensation, unpleasant and alien, but preferable to the alternative. He didn't want to feel for those people. He didn't want to _feel_.

He ran through the woods. He climbed the wall. He hit the ground running on the other side and didn't look back.

xxx

His mind remained hazy, and though he could feel his limbs move, they felt heavy, like he was dragging them through water. Kaneki couldn't bring himself back.

A voice had taken up residence in the back of his mind, chanting over and over _I have to go home_ in time with the sharp slap of his feet against the ground. By the time he reached an area with buildings and people and activity, the chanting was so loud it made Kaneki flinch.

He slowed to a walk as he crossed an intersection into a commercial-looking area of wherever he was, and the voice quieted. He didn’t know what ward he was in, but it was full morning. There was very little activity on the streets.The buildings were mostly in poor condition, like they’d been under heavy assault.

Kaneki ducked between buildings as a car marked with the CCG insignia drove past. It had guns mounted on top of it.

Suddenly, Kaneki knew exactly where he was.

Ward 11 had been a constant in the news in the months before Rize attacked him. It started out as just an increase in ghoul activity and swiftly became a war zone. Aogiri, Kaneki realized, had been the cause of that.

Fear stirred the voice again, and Kaneki wrenched free of its grip, taking control of himself. “Shut up,” he muttered furiously. “ _Shut up_!” He’d get home. He didn’t need--any of that, whatever it was.

Get out of ward 11. Find a train to 21, or a way into the tunnels, or maybe a cab? No, he didn’t have any money. He didn’t want anyone to see him. He was dirty, baths for prisoners having been low on Aogiri’s list of priorities. He reeked of decay. Being out in the free air made it abundantly clear how offensive he smelled. A normal human would pick it up easily.

Kaneki abandoned the cloak. It would make him stand out too much. He’d have to find a way through the blockade set up, one that was undoubtedly tighter in security than the one he and Tsukiyama had escaped through from ward 20. 

But that had taken speed, and he doubted he’d be able to go on much longer without something substantial to eat. More, if he wanted to fight, and from the looks of the area, he’d need to.

Food, then. He needed food.

Kaneki wandered in a daze. He knew he had to find someone, had to kill them and eat them, and he expected a rush of guilt and self loathing. It never came. He remained numb, his mind working much slower than usual as his body kept to usual pace, even moving a bit faster than normal.

The ghoul found him before he’d fed.

Kaneki supposed it made sense. Tsukiyama said he didn’t smell quite ghoul - though he didn’t smell human either. Just delicious. The other ghoul seemed to share that sentiment, his eyes wide and red, his kagune, wing-like, spread out behind him. His cheeks were sunken, hollowed, as though he’d not had a meal in a very long time. Considering the heavy CCG presence in the ward, hunting was probably very difficult unless the ghoul in question was up for fighting a dove.

The ghoul shot forward like a bullet, his speed startling for someone so clearly starving. Desperation, Kaneki’s mind supplied. Adrenalin. A cornered animal could be more vicious than anything else.

Unfortunately for his attacker, Kaneki had been cornered for a very long time. 

The first thing to go was his arm. Kaneki’s kagune grasped it as he passed him, ripping it from his body with sheer force. The ghoul screamed and lost his footing, rolling and crashing into the street beyond them. Before anyone could spot him, Kaneki snaked out his kagune and grabbed him by the ankle, dragging him in.

The ghoul opened his mouth, but Kaneki covered it with his hand. “You attacked me first,” Kaneki said. “This isn’t my fault.” He’d have to break his neck, of course, because the ghoul didn’t look like the type to sit quietly while he was being eaten.

It didn’t occur to Kaneki until he was hunched over the dead ghoul and fist to mouth with his insides that he hadn’t felt even a twinge of guilt. It was just a ghoul. His eating slowed. “Just a ghoul,” he muttered to himself, sitting back and wiping his mouth on his sleeve. “So that’s how it is.”

He shoved what was left of the corpse into a dumpster when he was done with it and made his way further into the ward.

xxx

The blockade was similar to what he’d seen in ward 20, but the walls were reinforced and gaps in security were nonexistent as far as Kaneki could tell. Fists clenched, he stayed out of view, watching. He’d have to fight. He didn’t want to, but - 

It was out of his hands. 

They were certainly more thorough about guard rotations this time around. Kaneki had to move several times over the hour spent observing, nearly getting caught at least twice. A new guard would replace the one by the actual blockade, and the one previous would begin a sweep through the ward. It looked like exhausting work.

The best option he could think of would be killing a guard who was just beginning a sweep through the ward. He could take his uniform and surprise the one actually at the blockade. If he killed them both without making noise, Kaneki figured he’d be able to escape without any real conflict.

Kaneki took position where he knew the sweep would begin and waited. He could swallow any negative feelings about killing a human because it was just a dove. No better than a ghoul. If all they did was kill, then they couldn’t really blame him for killing them first, could they? He’d be fine. He’d be _fine_.

The sweep started. Kaneki kept his kagune coiled close his body, waiting for just the right moment. The neck, he’d go for the neck, a clean break, and then he’d move.

The sick cracking sound, though faint, felt like it echoed, pounding against the inside of Kaneki’s head. The guard fell like a puppet with cut strings, crumpling sickeningly in the grasp of his kagune. Winding him in, Kaneki made quick work of his clothes, then discarded his own filthier ones and dressed himself. Too big, but they’d do. It would only take a moment.

He almost looked back at the body, but Kaneki stopped himself at the last moment and locked away the hunger that bubbled up at simply knowing a corpse was behind him.

The investigator at the blockade was probably stronger than the first guard. He had a metal case at his feet, an unpleasantly familiar sight. A quinque, then. He’d have to be careful. If he did anything to tip the guard off, there was no way he’d finish the fight before help arrived.

Fast. Quiet. Tsukiyama taught him how to sneak up on humans, how to kill them quickly so they couldn’t struggle. He didn’t like bruising on his food.

Kaneki took those lessons to heart, mouthing his every action as he did them. Creep through the alley. Keep out of sight. Stick to the shadows. Wait until he’s distracted. Strike.

The guard went limp, Kaneki’s kagune around his neck.

He’d died without a sound. Kaneki slumped, relieved, as he drew the guard closer, putting him out of sight. As an afterthought, he pulled the metal case over as well. He was tempted to open it but knowing what was inside made him too nervous. What if it could react on its own?

A large window of time would have to pass before the next rotation came in, but Kaneki didn’t waste a moment. With both guards dead and out of sight, he used his kagune to hurl himself over the blockade, landing neatly on his feet on the other side. He threw himself to the side and hid from view behind a car.

He was probably in ward 12, the empty area that the CCG evacuated because of the blockade. They were concerned over the possibility of violence spilling over from 11. Kaneki could vaguely remember a classmate who commuted from the area grumbling over having to stay in ‘refugee lodging’ until she found a new place to rent. 

He’d need to go further. A train, that would get him home. 

Being dressed like a CCG officer had its benefits. It was mid-morning, so the further into 12 he went, the more people he saw out and about. The uniform kept them away. The smell was likely excused - maybe he’d just killed a ghoul?

He’d taken the officer’s wallet coincidentally, so he had the money to board the line from 12 to 21. He had to stand, packed in with a large group, but at the stop after he’d boarded, a large number of people disembarked.

Kaneki was too tired to care.

All the adrenalin, the tension - the closer he got to home, the more he felt like collapsing. He managed to get a seat, but he had to consciously hold himself up. He focused on his breathing, on Tsukiyama, anything to keep the day out of mind. When he finally stopped to think about it, he was afraid of what might happen.

“It was necessary,” he said to himself, much louder than he’d intended. A group of girls all stopped speaking to look over at him. They looked concerned.

Kaneki kept his eyes on his feet and his mouth closed after that.

A grueling hour passed before his stop, and once it finally arrived, Kaneki had a moment where he wasn’t sure if he was dreaming or not. Though he hadn’t wanted to admit it to himself, he’d been afraid he’d never make it back.

He disembarked quickly and left the station. He had to go home. He kept saying it to himself, kept his eyes forward. It felt like years had passed since he’d been in ward 21, and everything looked new and different.

But he still found the building he and Tsukiyama lived in. 

The elevator he’d hated before was still slow, still smelled too much like bleach for his sensitive nose, but it was a welcome sight when he boarded it for his floor.

He prayed the entire way up. So long as Tsukiyama was there, everything would be fine, right? He wouldn’t have left without Kaneki, would he? He’d promised. He said he wanted Kaneki around. He said he wasn’t letting him go.

The elevator stopped. 

The hall looked the same as it had before. Kaneki walked to their door and stood in front of it. Swallowed. Put his hand on the knob.

It was locked, and he instantly felt like an idiot. Of _course_ it was locked! Tsukiyama wasn’t going to leave it unlocked for weeks just so Kaneki could walk in at any time. So, taking a deep breath, he knocked.

Nothing.

It _was_ the early afternoon. Tsukiyama could be out. He could be looking for Kaneki _right that very moment_ , and wouldn’t they both feel so stupid when he came back to find Kaneki had been waiting for him?

Kaneki’s heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. His breath came short. Why was he so nervous? It was just Tsukiyama. 

He almost knocked again, but a sound stopped him. Something from inside. Maybe Tsukiyama was home? He wasn’t opening the door either way. Kaneki frowned. If that was the case, he’d just go in on his own. Doors could be fixed.

Checking that no one was in the hall, Kaneki used his kagune to break the lock. With a gentle push, the door swung open. Kaneki closed it behind him and used the chain lock to keep it shut.

The kitchen. That’s where Tsukiyama was. Kaneki could hear someone moving, could hear something soft. 

He wasn’t wrong. Tsukiyama _was_ there, was cooking even, but there was also a barely-alive body on the table. Tsukiyama was leaning over them, his kagune out. He looked up when Kaneki walked in, and his face went blank, wiped clean by shock.

"I wasn't expecting to see you back," he said after a long silence.

Kaneki's stomach bottomed out. "I--why wouldn't I?"

"You're the one who left. You tell me."

But--that wasn’t right. That wasn’t right at _all_. “I didn’t leave,” Kaneki said, stepping closer. Tsukiyama’s eyes widened a fraction at the uniform. He didn’t leave, and Tsukiyama should have known that because if he didn’t know then that mean-- “You didn’t look for me.”

For a moment, Tsukiyama said nothing. The body on the table gurgled pathetically, and he rolled his eyes, driving his kagune through its throat. “No,” he said at last. “I didn’t. I assumed you left. Why would I assume you were taken?”

“I--I told you that ghoul came after me,” Kaneki’s breath quickened, and he felt like he couldn’t get enough air in his lungs. Banjou had come for him, and in the end, he’d let Banjou die, let them all die, because he’d been so _sure_. “You said--you promised.” Blood roared in Kaneki’s ears. “You weren’t going to let me go.”

The look on Tsukiyama’s face was indecipherable. “There wasn’t any reason to follow you if you’d left on your own.” His eyes were following something behind Kaneki, cautious, and it took a moment to realize his kagune was out, waving behind him, agitated on his behalf.

Tsukiyama hadn’t looked for him. He wouldn’t have come, no matter how long Kaneki planned on waiting. He would have left him alone to die. “You promised,” Kaneki said again, his voice unsteady. “You _promised_.” 

Something broke. Kaneki felt a great upheaval in his mind, like his emotions were desperately scrambling to make sense of this new world. He’d relied on Tsukiyama, he’d built everything around him, aware of it or not, and _now_ \--

His hands were around Tsukiyama’s neck. He was squeezing, and he could hear himself shouting. No more, no more, no more. Tsukiyama’s fingers clawed at his hands, desperate, and Kaneki squeezed harder.

He watched himself as every box he’d ever shoved any feeling in seemed to explode from the darkest part of his mind. Banjou’s face, Doctor Kanou, Hide, Rize - he could see his mistakes, and the shadow of Tsukiyama over them. It was too late to look back. 

Kaneki wasn’t going to be alone in this. Not ever again.


End file.
